A Change Of Pace...

As you may have noticed by the title of this entry, this discussion is not actually airsoft related. As my readers, I feel a slight responsibility to discuss with you what is going on with my life and the potential ramifications it may have on this blog. If you feel that this discussion may not be your cup of tea, you are welcome to stop reading right now. If you find that you love me or my blog enough to bear with me through my personal trials, then by all means keep reading.

For those of you who enjoyed my foray into the ridiculous with my partial list of reasons why airsoft is superior to many things, I am afraid this entry into my blog may disappoint you. For a time, I felt the need to vent my frustrations and take my comedic talent to a new level, with the last several blog entries. Not to say that these entries weren’t factual, useful or relevant, but I digress, much of their purpose was to entertain rather than educate.

Therefore, I have decided to return to old form and place some more relevant and informative blog entries, regarding information that will educate with perhaps an unlooked for sense of hilarity. Close your eyes and think of it like this, imagine you are in school and I am your instructor, a common setting. Now imagine that while I am instructing you on the political aspects of the French Revolution, that I am sh*tfaced drunk and super horny.

Now open your eyes, it’ll be something like that.

So, I’ve been playing airsoft for many years. I have gone through many phases during that time, some superficial, others materialistic and in some cases egotistical. You may be saying to yourself right now, “Hey Kirby, you’re not egotistical?” Well I am my friend, but much less than aforetime. See in the past I would have never said two words to you, unless it was to tell you that you were a worthless piece of sh*t, considering myself vastly superior.

Now, although I do still consider myself superior in some ways, my ego consists of listening to you speak while feigning interest in the hopes that you will get the hell away from me, before I punch you in the face, because I don’t give a sh*t about the new tbb you put in your sportsline or the move you almost made until my squad overwhelmed your position. Then I will tell OTHER people that you are a worthless piece of sh*t behind your back.

I'm just kidding, what do I care if other people know how sh*tty you are.

For those of you who know me well, let’s do a little experiment and see how many guys try to talk airsoft to me after they read this entry.

My educated guess… EVERYONE.

Why? Because there is nothing an airsofter loves more than hearing themselves talk about airsoft.

On a side note, I had some exciting news this week as I learned that I happened to win two “best looking” airsoft gun competitions hosted by my local community forum this week. I would like to tell you that I am surprised that I won BOTH competions, but I am not.

Why you ask?

Because  I am a winner and that’s what winners do, they win.

Lastly, please forgive the space that has been created between my blog entries. I graduate this month, and I have been cramming for the past couple of weeks to defend my thesis. I assure you that within the next few weeks entries will arrive with more frequency.

Oh and before I forget, do you remember before when I called you a friend?

I was lying; you are not a friend that was just to lure you into a sense of comfort.

Here is a little Kirby euphemism…

There are only two types of people in airsoft, brothers and tangos. If you are not by brother then you are a tango, there is no in between.

Get it?

10 Reasons Airsoft Is Better Than Sex, Paintball And Lonely Japanese Girls

So, let me begin by apologizing for misrepresenting myself in the title of this blog entry. After much thought, I have decided that there is absolutely nothing in this world better than lonely Japanese girls. For those of you who are saying to yourselves, “Uhh you’re wrong Kirby airsoft is definitely better”. That is only because you have never met or been involved with a lonely Japanese girl.

That being the case, I will not argue my point and will allow you to keep your restricted point of view. Don’t feel slighted by my comment, some of us have it and some of us don’t. I know I have it and I know you don’t, so let’s continue to remain civil.

So ten reasons airsoft is better than sex and paintball. Better than sex you ask? Absolutely, I understand at this point you may not agree with me, but allow me the opportunity to convince you.

I am not going to compile a numbered list as some of you may assume. The defense of my point will be a compilation of theories and observations.

Enjoy…

The McDonalds Theory

Were friends, so let’s be honest. Airsoft doesn’t exactly attract the cream of the crop from society; it doesn’t necessarily attract the dregs either. Let’s say if we were a tax bracket, a majority of airsofters would be considered lower/middle income. Or look at this way, if we were in the business world, most of you would be working the drive thru window at McDonalds and I would be the CEO of Victoria’s Secret. Don’t be upset, if you think that the McDonald’s employee is not you, then maybe it isn’t. Maybe you are like a janitor at Victoria Secret.

So considering my fast food example, I think it’s safe to say that a majority of airsofter do not get the opportunity to enjoy the opposite sex as some of us do. Think about it; look around the parking lot at the next game. Am I wrong? No. Am I offensive? Yes.

So if this aspects of relationships or one night stands is not available to most airsofters, then it's safe to say they don’t know what they are missing right? So, becausse of their lack of expereince they may be inclined to assume that airsoft is better. See how my logic falls into place.

This theory is not a perfect fit for everyone, so let's continue...

Tangos Don’t Say No or Get Headaches

Unlike girls, tangos do not succumb to menstrual periods or mood swings. When your aggression level is ten, you can count on the opfors being the same. Therefore, you’re opponent will never turn down a good fire fight. Day, night, rain, sleet, snow, you can be sure that someone will always be available to shoot at and help you relieve some pent up frustration and aggression. Though they may not be as enticing or attractive as a woman, you can count on two things when it comes to tangos that you cannot with women.

1)      Tangos will never yell “Stop that hurts!”

2)      After you’ve shot a tango and are done with them, they know it’s time to shut the f*ck up and leave you alone.

A Quick Finish Isn’t A Bad Thing

Let us again be honest among friends. We are more likely to run a 10 minute mile than we are a 4 hour marathon. Nothing personal, but we don’t always perform our best and sometimes… well sometimes all it takes is a commercial break. If you are thinking to yourself “Hey that’s not me”, you are full of sh*t and a damn liar. The people who think their sh*t doesn’t stink, are those with the stinkiest sh*t.

So anyway “quick finishes”.

 Finishing quickly with a girl is not a good thing. It happens to everyone, you start feeling self-conscious, judged and well less of a man than you usually do. The last thing you need is a smoking hot girl thinking you’re a loser, because you didn’t perform up to par. For those of you who are married who gives a shit what she thinks, she f*cking stuck with you anyway, right?

On the other end of the spectrum, completing your objectives in the shortest amount of time possible is a great accomplishment. You feel self satisfaction, confidence, comradery, and new strength in your abilities. You also have a bunch of cool guys telling you, you are f*cking awesome. I know it’s not a girl saying it, but wouldn’t you rather be complimented by your peers than a girl?

Anyway, those are just the first few. I hope you enjoyed them, if you didn’t that ok, I’m a f*cking superstar remember?

Superstars: How To Become A Phenomenon In Your Local Airsoft Community

Ah, now we get to the heart of the matter.

Who doesn't want to be popular?

If your answer to this is no, then not only are you a liar, but you have come to terms with the fact that you are such a f*cking loser, the second coming could happen with the messiah blessing you himself in front a the world it wouldn't help a bit.  Don't feel to bad, the world needs f*cking losers. Why you ask? To make guys like me look even cooler than we already are. I know, I know, I didn't think that was possible, but I guess it just shows us what a big loser you really are.

If you are mad at my loser comment, take comfort in the fact that your World of Warcraft buddies are probably online right now waiting for you to log on. You guys can chat about looting, pillaging and all the hot girls at school who will never talk to you because you look like ... well you look like you. See.... I made it better already.

Ok, so you're probably wondering about the theme of this blog entry. How do I know what can make you popular, right? Well if you think it's necessary let's talk credentials.

1) I'm Kirby.

2) I have a straight f*cking legit tier one operator look going on.

3) You want to be like me and during games you stand next to me just to hear the awesome things that come out of my mouth.

If that is not enough to satisfy you, then please stop reading my blog immediately, because you have less sense that a bag of sh*t covered in burnt dog hair. Seriously! I am one of the most beloved members of my community.

Man do I get off track!

So you want to be a superstar??

Steps 1-3...

Grow A Pair Of Balls 
- Superstars exude confidence, in play, in person, online. Superstars act like they always know what the f*ck they are talking about. Now you are new to this theory so your confidence level may not be as high as you want it, but the key is ACTING like you know what the f*ck you are talking about. It's ok if you don't, not everybody does, but your purpose should be to exude enough confidence that others are convinced that your word is gospel. This doesn't mean hassling them until they believe you, just believe in yourself, keep your cool and the rest will follow. If someone says your wrong, look at them straight in the eye and don't say sh*t. Why? Because you don't have to prove sh*t to anybody you're a f*cking superstar.

Stay Cool
- Superstars don't loose their cool. Get shot in the face with an AEG at 10 ft? Stay cool. Shoot someone ten times and they don't call it? Stay cool. Here is why? Anyone can get upset, and wearing your emotions on your sleeve is a recipe for disaster.

In situations such as these, two things come from staying cool...

1) People are unable to read what you are thinking based on your appearance.

2) People who don't understand you learn to fear you, not in the sense that you will hurt them, but in the sense that you are unpredictable. Fear leads to respect, respect leads to developing your position of authority.

Don't Be To Cool For School

- Don't act like your better than everybody else. Acting like an elitist @sshole leads to disdain, not popularity or respect. You know what a major characteristic of a great leader is? Being in touch with those in your environment (the common man) and being aware of their needs. Winston Churchill, raging drunk, abusive to women, great f*cking leader. He held England's hand through World War II and they loved him for it. People will over look your faults if they can relate to you.

This might sound a little mushy, but think about it, did people really love Hitler? Or were they just scared sh*tless by him? During the later years of the war after the Germans lost Tunisia, Hitler's own field marshals and generals new that overall defeat was imminent. But did they say anything? No. Why? Not because he was beloved, but because they were afraid that if they spoke up they would be executed. People love one of their own, act like you care and people will follow. Act superior and you'll be left out in the cold alone, making witty remarks that no one will ever hear or care about.

Follow my recipe for success or don't, it's up to you. Does it work? Yes. How do I know? Experience. I am not saying this is 100% guaranteed... well yes actually I am saying that. If you try it and it doesn't work for you, then the problem is you, not the plan. Think I'm wrong? Come say it too my face the next time you see me and watch me not do sh*t about it, because I'm a f*cking superstar, I don't have to prove anything to anyone.

Airsoft Ettiquete: Why You Can't Call Someone A Douchebag To Their Face

So, for those few who actually read my blog, you may have noticed that I have taken somewhat of an extended break. Since I am this type of guy, I'm going to frank. For a time I lost all inspiration to write about anything airsoft related. I know it sounds terrible and it was, but it is not nearly as terrible as when your wife's herpes starts acting up, so don't feel too sorry for me.

At this point, a noble and considerate person might apologize for his misdirection. However, I write this f*cking blog and you do not, so that is not going to happen. If you want to start your own blog and ignore your kids to write by all means go ahead. Then you can tell people to go f*ck themselves as I just did.

So, let's discuss airsoft etiquette or as I like to call it, remembering your Emily Post. For those of you who do not know, Emily Post was an author during the 19th century who wrote many well received books about proper etiquette in just about every situation imaginable.

To begin, I would like to share a story about a recent experience I had. I was in an airsoft forum related altercation with another member. My verbal abuse of this member was not vulgar, nor was it tasteless. It was hilarious, factual and somewhat witty. However, the most important thing is that it was out of line. Did I mean what I said? Yes. Do I regret what I said? No.

Why not?

Because I meant every damn word, living your life with regrets is an ingredient in the recipe to make your entire life a failure. Saying exactly what you think, develops a sense of satisfaction within ones self that is impossible to resist. That is why I do it all the time. Developing such a characteristic in your pallet does tend to earn you enemies, but if you are similar to me, you couldn't give a damn about what other people think.

So, some rules of etiquette for airsoft...

Yelling at Cheaters

I recently experienced a southern California field in which I and teammates were berated with insults during the game. The opfor was nice enough to inform me that I was a motherf*cking cheater numerous times. Was I cheating? No. Was it appropriate to interrupt our firefight to call me a cheater? Absolutely not. My captain was in attendance so I restrained myself from taking any action against these members of the opfor.

However, I greatly desired to inform him that I was not cheating and that the reason he may have thought so is because we are f*cking awesome at airsoft and he is not. Of course, I would let him know that this was in no way his fault, but the fault of his captains for providing poor leadership, his parents for turning him into a p*ssy and God for not respecting his parents enough to endow them with a child who had any f*cking common sense or tactical ability. But I digress; I made no such remark although it would undeniably be a benefit to this person.

Yelling at a cheater is in bad taste and completely unnecessary. Common courtesy states that all members of the airsoft community should be treated with equal respect on the field. This rule should be followed, even if they act like  f*cking retards, or play like a blind kid who's having a seizure. If someone is cheating simply inform an admin or continue to shoot this person until they decide to call it. If you would like to go back to the parking lot between games and tell your buddies what a *sshole that kid is do so, by all means that is your right.

Yelling at people can have egregious results.

1) Yelling at this person can make them feel singled out, creating a feeling of animosity and tension.

2) This tension and animosity can spread like a wild fire through community members, aggregating feeling of hostility among individuals who were not involved in the original incident.

3) If done by more respected and popular community members, this example may be followed and enacted by others who see this person as a pillar of their local airsoft community. This is another tool in developing tension and disrespect.

4) Victims of yelling may feel ostracized from other community members and lose interest in the hobby. This has the potential to greatly reduce the number of tangos you need to eliminate prior to completing the next objective.
I will continue discussing other airsoft related etiquette protocols in later entries.

I would like to say I am glad to be back. For those of you who have hounded me to continue creating witty and brilliant entries in my blog, I am happy to say that you can finally shut the f*ck up.

Part One Of Things You Do That Are Starting To Piss Me Off

Based on my last few posts, I know that this post should be a continuation of my discussion about airsoft personalities. I'm sure who were enthralled by my clever insights and my reference to Chuck Norris. However, I am not in the best mood this morning and you know I tend to get sidetracked, so today is one of those days.

My socially relevant issue today, has to do with airsoft forums and people who act like f*cking retards. I know, I know it’s an excellent discussion topic. Hey, why else would you be reading my blog, right?  So let's begin...

One of the things I despise most on forums is people who act like f*cking know it alls. What do you think you're doing? We all know that the advice you are giving was just copy and pasted from some more intelligent person's thread or from the manufactures website. So why do you always act like you came up with some brilliant original thought?

I have some bad news, we all know that you don't know sh*t, which is ok because most of us think you're a joke anyway. Hey, I could look up all kinds of useful information as well, if I wasn't busy having a life filled with sex, accomplishments, general awesomeness and owning your @ss on the field.

The only relevant form of advice is based on personal experience. That means your experiences not someone else’s. I also read that cybergun is the devil, but that doesn't mean that I'm going to pass it off as my original idea. There are only two types of people who do things of that nature. People who just aren't smart enough to come up with something on their own and those who need everyone's approval.

That's right I said it, you need everyone’s approval. I'm sorry that your mommy didn't hug you enough as a child and tell you she loved you, but I'm not going to fill that f*cking void for you. So grow some balls and just come to terms with the fact that nobody like you.

Let's add to this...

Why the hell do you take decisions airsoft manufactures make so personally? I understand being frustrated by some of their less intelligent decisions, but what the hell did they do to you? Oh that's right, they were watching their bottom line, so they can continue to make a profit by offering quality products to ungrateful @ssholes like you.

Do you know why they discontinued production of your favorite pistol? Because they did a focus group and found out that only goat humping mama's boys like that gun and they decided they didn't particularly want that slice of the market share. I mean seriously, why do you act like they slept with your mom? I slept with your mom and you don't act that way with me. So what's your deal?

Anyway I think I'm done for today. I think I've pissed enough people off to make this one of my more popular posts. I'll add some more at a later time when the mood suits me.

Getting To Know The Opfor Part 2, Why You're Still Not Cool Despite What Your Mom Says

Now that you understand knowing personality types if important, let's talk details. The difference that makes you, me, and that poor guy we sent home crying last weekend. "Mom, I tried my best." *sniffling* Ha-ha, what a loser. Anyway, details...

Admit it, when you put on that plate carrier and sling that sexy M4, you feel like hot sh*t. Who doesn't? But chances are you are also acting like you're hot sh*t. Hey it's cool, I think I'm hot sh*t too, but there is a difference between the way we act in the parking lot and the way we act on the field. Perceptions can be deceiving and expecting your buddy to act like the tier one operator he thinks he is in the parking lot may not be the smartest thing to do. We're posers right? And because we are, chances are this whole facade may be an act. Therefore knowing who you can count on when it comes to it, means the difference between being like me or like that guy who told his mom he tried his best.

Airsoft personality types from A-Z

Aggressive -
There is nothing wrong with being aggressive; it's a fundamental personality trait of airsofters. The problem lies in those who let their feelings of aggression overcome their good sense and tactical capabilities. Hey, eliminating tangos feels good and is rewarding, but when you’re driving need to tear the opfor apart interferes with your team's overall ability to complete their assigned objective, is it too much? ABSOLUTELY. If you're in it for the milsim experience then nothing takes priority of your mission. This involves getting sidetracked in your head to go shoot someone. Did the SEALS from Tears from the Sun complete their mission by destroying the opfor? Well yes they did, BUT prior to that they tried their hardest to avoid the enemy in order to complete their mission. Their engagement with the enemy was a result unforeseen circumstances that disrupted their plan. It happens, but the point is they tried to complete their mission with minimum casualties and minimum kills. Aggression has a time and place and that is when it's when required to execute in order to successfully complete your mission.

Passive - 
This guy can be considered Moriarty to aggression’s Sherlock Holmes. This is the guy that doesn't really want to attack but he also doesn't really want to defend. While your captain is assigning guys to the recon team, this guy is thinking to himself, "Well maybe if I blend into that scrub over there nobody will ask me to do anything and I'll still look cool." Guess what buddy, you never looked cool and we're not going to ask you to do anything because we already knew you were useless. Do us all a favor and go back to whatever World of Warcraft cave you came out of and do what you do best, leveling up and not having a girlfriend.

Part 3, will discuss the other two personality types, patient and resistant.


On a side note I have been getting a lot of feedback about putting pictures up along with my blog to make it less bland. After telling these people to shove their feedback up their @ss and to tell their wives to stop calling me in the middle of the night, I decided to do it.

So...

God bless America and God bless f*cking Chuck Norris!

Getting To Know The Opfor

Disclaimer: This entry in my blog is not as aggressive or hilarious as some of the previous ones. It deviates from that path in favor of a more cerebral direction. If you find that this is not your cup of tea, so f*cking what. Just read it, it's good to drink from the fountain of knowledge from time to time.

Understanding personalities isn't difficult. You don't have to be Carl Jung or understand Cognitive Behavior Theory to learn what motivates people. It's not rocket science, its common sense. Still confounded? Ok, I'll tell you what it is, the single thing that motivates people in airsoft... KICKING YOUR @SS. That's right, it's not elusive, it's simple, straightforward and exactly correct.

I always hear people saying, "Hey that guy is definitely a type A personality". What does that even mean? I'll tell you what it means, it means the guy telling you that doesn't know sh*t. Dividing people into meaningless categories is self defeating and ignorant. It is a narrow point of view that is both unnecessary and many times incorrect.

You know what motivates me?... ME. I think I'm awesome, if I didn't I wouldn't be writing this tactically observant blog or reading it at my desk every day to admire my own genius. "Wow Kirby, huge ego much?" Absolutely. My ego brings me fulfillment and success. What more could you ask for? Can you categorize that? Of course you can, you can label me under "guys you want to be like when you grow up".

But you know what? Knowing and understanding personalities doesn't mean squat when you’re playing airsoft. "But Kirby, you just said knowing and understanding personalities is important." I know I did, but that's only a small piece of the puzzle. What is really important is understanding how that personality is going to affect you. I am suggesting things like, is this the type of guy that's has the potential to impede our efforts to overrun the opfor's position? Can we count on this guy to be an effective tool in completing our mission?

Get it? If you're reading my blog or other airsoft blogs, chances are you take airsoft pretty seriously. Nobody becomes great at this sport just because their gun is accurate to 70 yards, or their gear is tier one status. They become great because they understand there is more to it then what vanity provides. Now don't get me wrong, having cool stuff and feeling cool is cool, but it can't make you effective or successful.

Through an absurdly unnecessary amount time of research, I have been able to label airsoft personalities into four categories.

Aggressive, Passive, Patient and Resistant

Now unlike categories such as "type A" or "type B", these categories do not define individuals. What they will do is provide you with detailed description of characteristics you might find in yourself and others, perhaps providing some previously undiscovered insight into personality types and how they can affect you on the field.

Part two will discuss this in more detail. More to come...